I am surprised at my own laziness as of late. I never thought I'd go two weeks between posts, but alas I have. I hope I haven't lost you. Have I? Are you still there? Please, oh please, come back.
I have only this excuse for my lack of writing. I have been out living my life these past few weeks and have neglected to fill you in. So here is my attempt to make up for lost time. A potpourri of life lessons if you will. In no particular order:
Dennis Haskins Will Do Anything for a Buck
For those of you who are not children of the 80s, let me inform you that Dennis Haskins was Mr. Belding, the principal of "Saved By the Bell" for four glorious seasons on Saturday morning TV. And the reason why I know he'll do anything for a buck is I saw him in a bar on Friday night. He was there as a promotion. For what, I still am not sure. Let's just say Dennis was the most senior person in the bar by about 40 years. He was surrounded by children of generation X who were dressed as slutty school girls, slutty nurses and super sperm (no joke). And as he stood in the DJ booth tossing out DVDs, T-shirts, snowboards and beer drums, I couldn't help but think we must have been keeping him out way past his bedtime. Clearly, he was there only for the paycheck he received at the end of the night.
Windex Kills… Big, Scary Bugs
When I entered my shower a few weeks ago to find a big, scary bug with far too many legs, I did what any savvy, single city girl would do. I screamed and ran out my bathroom. Knowing I was not going to be able to sleep if it were still alive, I tried to think of the best way to end its life. I wasn’t concerned with causing it as little pain as possible. I was concerned with not having to come within arm’s reach of it. I scoured my kitchen, grabbed my Windex and confronted the bug. I used half the bottle to drown my disgusting, unwelcome guest, but it was small price to pay. So I say forget Raid, all you need is Windex.
Richard Crowe Loves Ghosts, but Hates Everything Else
A few weeks ago, I and a few co-workers went on a Chicago ghost tour. Richard Crowe was our tourguide, and by his own account has given these types of tours since the ‘70s. Granted I never saw him in the '70s, but I would wager a hefty sum that his tour wasn't quite so political back then. As we drove through various Chicago neighborhoods, Crowe showed us where gangsters were shot, cemeteries used to exist and ghosts are said to roam Southside streets. And in the midst of these explanations, Crowe also told us how Chicago's politicians are corrupt and we should all start beating one another as an alternative to capital punishment, all the while pointing out neighborhoods like "Jew Town." I don't think I'll be going back for another tour of Mr. Crowe's. I like my ghost stories void of political agenda.
I Love a Parade
I actually hate parades, but I went and watched one on Halloween. I live very near the gay Mecca of Chicago, known affectionately at Boystown. Every year since 1996, that neighborhood has held a parade, and it is magnificent. With no exaggeration whatsoever, in this parade you can see a kid dressed as Sponge Bob Square pants, followed by a Drag Queen dressed as the Tropicana Banana woman, followed by a dog dressed as a bumble bee followed two gay guys walking hand-in-hand dressed as “Kermit the Fag” and “Fuzzy the Bear.” It’s got something for everyone, which is why I love a parade… but only in Boystown.
It is Possible to Love Someone You've Never Met
My friend, Lexi, and her husband, Rob, had a beautiful baby girl on Oct. 24. I have only seen pictures of Laynie online, but I can say without a doubt, I love this beautiful little girl already.